Unfriendable.

When people meet each other, one is always reserved. You try to present the best of you, in order to impress. To be liked. To be part of the crowd. But if you are me, once the meeting is over you begin a thorough replay of the encounter. Did you say too  much, did you not say enough? I recently read a blog post about possibly making yourself unfriendable. And as I read, I could not help but agree.

While in college, I felt like I could get along with anyone and making friends was easy. The things you had in common with someone else usually instantly bonded you and a friendship was born. And just as it was easy to make friends, it was just as easy to lose friends. As you go through the process of actually growing up you realize that what may have worked at first, no longer works. That I could be friendly but making friendships that last...required more work than I was willing to put in. Not because the people were not worth it, but because I feel like I am not worth the effort. I feel like if I am the one that makes all the plans...maybe the other person says yes out of pity. Or better yet if I try to put it back on them to make a plan? And if they don't? Further proof they never wanted to be my friend to begin with and so is my vicious cycle.

Becoming a mom has let me sink further into my solitude and most days I am okay with being alone with just the kids. But then their are times that I wish I had a friend to call and just get out the house with. Because the truth is I do have good friends but most of them are scattered across the U.S. An email or a phone call is nice but sometimes I just want what only a face to face can do.

How to break the cycle? How to put myself out there and be okay with rejection if it comes? And how can a bunch of women read the same article I did and all feel the same and yet still feel so unfriendable? Amazing things to think and ponder on.

This Is Me

Here I am, starting a new blog and while I am hiding it, those that may find it will only do so because they were looking for me. I don't plan on pimping this space out. But I have felt the urge to write and write what is in my heart. And in my head. Because at any given time there is tons there and yet in my other writing place, I feel like I can not say the words. So now I am here.

I use to call myself a writer and while blogging is writing..it never felt that way to me. I am hoping this place will be what I need to maybe do some writing prompts and also get my feelings out on issues that most people don't know about. My extended family for one. My thoughts on motherhood. Juicy stuff...but stuff that doesn't belong on Mommy This and That! MTaT is all rainbows and unicorns, cotton candy and love. Here I can be dark, I can curse. I can be real.