Testing...

Years have passed since I last wrote on the blog and yet here I am. Not sure what I wanted to do with this space, but part of me holds onto the handle and pays for the domain and then lets the time just go by.  When I told my husband I had several domains, his eyes opened wide and he asked me why I would pay for them. I shrugged my shoulders and said I just could not find a way to let them go. I know my own name would probably never get purchased by someone else, but some of the others might, and then I would kick myself for not having done something...anything with them myself. 

The date is Sunday, July 5, 2020, and we as a nation have been struggling with a pandemic, Covid-19. The only thing I can say is that we don't really know anything about this damn virus and every day is a new one regarding what we should be doing or not doing. And of course, it has all turned political. Wear a mask and you're a Libatard, don't wear one and you're selfish. Commonsense has all but gone out the window. Can't say or so anything without someone turning rude to the point of wanting to fight one another. Sad times, really.

At this time we are also going through a reckoning with regards to race. Black Lives Matter. For some reason, there are people that can not open their eyes to the horrendous acts our nation has continued to put on Black Americans. As a child learning about slavery, it broke my heart to read about the small number of details we were taught. As an adult, I am sickened by the fact that in 400 years we have barely done better. All because of the color of a person's skin. It seems each day someone else has lost their mind. I say it is because they know in their heart of hearts, Black Americans have been treated badly and if the status quo were to change, they could not
handle the treatment they might receive. Power is a strange and intoxicating thing and no one wants to lose it ones they have had a taste. I will state it again, Black Lives Matter.

I end on that note and now that I have challenged myself to get back into writing, maybe I will update more. But whose reading blogs these days anyway?

Static

One of the definitions of the word static is lacking in movement, action, or change, especially in a way viewed as undesirable or uninteresting. That is what my writing has become, mostly because I have all but forgotten it. Blogging, creative writing, magazine articles. All of it as slipped my mind and instead I am left with the status quo of my day to day.

My daughter will begin Kindergarten soon and I make jokes about all the time I will suddenly have but I know that it will not matter. I have the same amount of time as anyone else and yet I feel like I am at a standstill while others are moving forward, pushing forward, still moving. They have never lost themselves. And somehow I have. I have come to this place where I do not know which direction to go. The things I use to love I no longer do. One would think that I would have a passion for motherhood, that maybe I do that extremely well. But the truth is I do not. Most days I feel like I have done a marginal job of it and survived another day. My daughter asked me why I chose to be a mother and not something else...and I had no answer for her. How do you explain to a 5 year old that in the beginning you did not want the motherhood life? I didn't choose motherhood, motherhood chose me. When she says that she will be all these things and I mother, I smile and tell her she can do it. But why didn't i? Fear? Laziness? Maybe both?

I have every excuse as to why I do not write...and yet I can feel the pull and my muse talking to me, begging me to write just one paragraph. And I promise her that I will...that very night I will sit down and write. And the night comes and all I want is to stare into the nothingness that is Facebook and do nothing. I remember my husband giving me my laptop so I could write. And now the laptop is obsolete by Apple standards and I haven't written. Why can I not be disciplined enough to do this? 

How does one push past the static?

Life

What is it about life that gets in the way? I really thought I would take to this space and want to spread my blogging wings. Instead I am torn between my other blog and this one. I am almost to the point of letting the other blog go. It's not that I don't enjoy blogging about my kids...but nothing I say is new.

And a lot of things my kids do or say? I'd like to keep them private for me to reminisce over with the husband. I don't know what the kids will have to say about the things I have written. And in 10 years, will they want to read? Growing up, hearing the memories and stories about things past was way more interesting than reading about it. I don't think that will change.

So what should I do? Keep my domain and just say I will no longer be updating? Not worry about the domain? I want to make sure I do the correct thing and not end up screwing myself. Will I want to return to that particular blog? Is it best to say good bye and if I want to begin again, start fresh?

I like the idea of making the blog into a book and that way, I can lose the domain but have a copy of everything. 150$...might be worth the cost.

Decisions, decisions.

Getting On a Plane

This past week I was able to go away, alone. Before the trip I was nervous because the truth is I take care of the kids and the household way differently than my husband. He does a great job his way and I do a great job my way. Being as the kids spend way more time in any given week with me, I didn't know if he would disrupt their schedule. Which would make for an extremely rough time for him. But they all survived. And once I left the house and was seated on the plane...I really wasn't nervous.

I flew to Vegas to meet an old college friend and we reminisced and relived our twenty's by attending to NKOTB concerts. I was glad to be able to attend them both with her and it was nice to be able to do anything I wanted. Which ended up being a lot of nothing. And I actually was able to have adult conversation without being interrupted. I forgot how good it is to talk without interruption. And the truth is, I wasn't homesick or really rushing to get back. I think I could have stayed a full 7 days without hesitating. Does that make me a bad mom? Maybe. A bad wife? Probably.

I came back tired, which was expected. But apparently I also came back a bit detached according to my husband. I think I just was not ready to jump back into my ho-hum mommy life. And I should have been right? 5 years of kids all up on me and I take three nights off...I should have been itching to come back? I should have been crying tears of gladness that I was back? I don't know...most days I feel like I am doing this parenting thing all wrong. And it's a lifetime job! My kids are smart, healthy, happy and yet I can't seem to keep it together. Or get it together.

I want more time away. Heck I think I will settle for a day or two in a hotel...literally not leaving the bed except to pea. Or answer for room service. Holla!

Working on my Fitness

I turned 39 in October and while I didn't feel one way or another by it, once January rolled around I did start to feel bothered by my weight. Some how I had this thought in my head, that I didn't look as bad as I did. That I wasn't as fat, as I am. I have a picture of me in my mind and it is the picture of me from 1992. Only with better hair. And better teeth. And yer when I look in the mirror? I cringe and stare harder, looking for the girl that is in my mind's eye.

She isn't there. She has been gone a long time. And in January I decided I wanted some of her back. I want the trouble of clothes being too big and too loose, rather than too tight. I want to be able to shop in the juniors section and not only the women's. I want to feel sexy and hot and fabulous, no matter what I am doing. I want to see myself the way my husband sees me. And I want to be healthy and have the energy to play with my kids instead of feel tired all. the. time.

While most people were posting and sharing resolutions and people joked about how the gym would be packed for a few months until everyone fell of the "lose weight - get in shape" wagon I quietly decided I was going to actually do it and stick with it. The thing is I was never truly comfortable at the gym. Alone I would go in and try to lift weights and so some cardio. But it just never felt like I was doing enough or even doing it right. So I opted to watch what I ate first. And paired that with some Couch 25K training. The training didn't last long as shin pain stopped me at about week 3. And the truth is I have never loved running, so the thought of spending over 100$ on sneakers didn't sit well. So I kept watching what I ate and eventually signed up with Nutrisystem.

The first 5 pounds came off and I was stoked. Except that during the last half of the year I gained an extra 10 pounds. I also blame the Garcinia Cambogia pills I took that didn't work. But hey, 5 pounds, right? So I've stuck with it. It's been about 12 weeks and I've lost 18 pounds. But the best part is that I've found my workout. Pure Barre.

That's right for the last two months I've been busting my hump and taking Pure Barre classes 3 to 5 days a week. I've been eating 1500 calories or less and trying to be #fitby40. It's been hard and some weeks I am defeated by my progress via the scale. But I'm stronger and my arms are tight and my booty is looking pretty good.

Now I am no where near my ideal weight but I'm getting there. The truth is it is hard, really hard. For the last 5 years I have been breast-feeding and hid behind needing the extra calories. I also was lucky that I snacked A LOT and didn't gain even more weight. Some how that led me to believe that I looked okay. But then you start to look at pictures and you realize that no, just no. I have to give my husband a lot of credit...he has never issued a word to me about eating right or hitting the gym or any of it. He has accepted me at what has been my biggest and right now is my biggest fan. Of course, he wins as I lose weight too. I mean...more energy means more bow-chicka-bow-wow, right? And what man doesn't want that?

So here is some photo evidence:

While it's not jaw-dropping, it is a start and I will take it. Pure Barre and 1500 hundred calories is my life currently and I'm okay with that. Even on the days I am sore and hungry. No pain, no gain!

Unfriendable.

When people meet each other, one is always reserved. You try to present the best of you, in order to impress. To be liked. To be part of the crowd. But if you are me, once the meeting is over you begin a thorough replay of the encounter. Did you say too  much, did you not say enough? I recently read a blog post about possibly making yourself unfriendable. And as I read, I could not help but agree.

While in college, I felt like I could get along with anyone and making friends was easy. The things you had in common with someone else usually instantly bonded you and a friendship was born. And just as it was easy to make friends, it was just as easy to lose friends. As you go through the process of actually growing up you realize that what may have worked at first, no longer works. That I could be friendly but making friendships that last...required more work than I was willing to put in. Not because the people were not worth it, but because I feel like I am not worth the effort. I feel like if I am the one that makes all the plans...maybe the other person says yes out of pity. Or better yet if I try to put it back on them to make a plan? And if they don't? Further proof they never wanted to be my friend to begin with and so is my vicious cycle.

Becoming a mom has let me sink further into my solitude and most days I am okay with being alone with just the kids. But then their are times that I wish I had a friend to call and just get out the house with. Because the truth is I do have good friends but most of them are scattered across the U.S. An email or a phone call is nice but sometimes I just want what only a face to face can do.

How to break the cycle? How to put myself out there and be okay with rejection if it comes? And how can a bunch of women read the same article I did and all feel the same and yet still feel so unfriendable? Amazing things to think and ponder on.

This Is Me

Here I am, starting a new blog and while I am hiding it, those that may find it will only do so because they were looking for me. I don't plan on pimping this space out. But I have felt the urge to write and write what is in my heart. And in my head. Because at any given time there is tons there and yet in my other writing place, I feel like I can not say the words. So now I am here.

I use to call myself a writer and while blogging is writing..it never felt that way to me. I am hoping this place will be what I need to maybe do some writing prompts and also get my feelings out on issues that most people don't know about. My extended family for one. My thoughts on motherhood. Juicy stuff...but stuff that doesn't belong on Mommy This and That! MTaT is all rainbows and unicorns, cotton candy and love. Here I can be dark, I can curse. I can be real.